chapter=Chapter 9 A belch emanated from Hitchmouth with such force that Slipshod O'Rourke momentarily went for his side arm. It sounded very like an impulse impact in soft load, a deep resonating thud. "Beg pardon." Said Hitchmouth as he managed to force another wedge of deep fried white bread and black pudding into his already over full mouth. It had taken less than an hour to completely re-design the UP command post, a new, fully kitted out protection pod had been sunk into the earth next to their original and rather battered one. The pods clicked together like giant Lego bricks, which resulted in a greatly extended living area. The new cooking facilities were also much improved, a massive refrigeration system meant they could keep fresh supplies for much longer. A new self supporting hydrogen power generating unit meant they would never need to rely on emergency power again. Their communications were finally up to UP standard, and they had even received direct orders from UP high command. "Hold position and report any tri-partite activity." "I didn't want to go anyway." Said Hitchmouth. "I love it here." "That is simply not true Hitchy." Said Sanjit. "Only a moment ago you were saying you were desperate to leave." "Yeah, well I changed me mind didn't I." Another burp punctuated his sentence. "And any road, I'm not missing big boys wedding for anything." "Oh please." moaned the Commander. "There has to be a way out of this." Commander Hunter looked at Slipshod O'Rourke. "Don't look at me mate, I'm not taking you anywhere." Replied the scruffy individual. "But we could just slip away, your ship could take me back to Wisbeef, I could hand myself over to the relevant authorities, admit my failings and sit in a cell for a few years until this whole, terrible mess had died down." "Sir, it is not that bad." Said Sanjit without a great deal of conviction. "You made a diplomatic error which is not difficult when you have to deal with complex warring factions." Commander Hunter looked up. "I suppose you're right." He said slowly. "It certainly wasn't a malicious act on my part." "Of course not sir." "And under the circumstances, it was obvious I didn't manipulate the situation. The Princess and her entourage crashed near our base by pure chance. She is clearly a highly sensitive individual who lives in a rarified and protected environment and is not used to being exposed to the more brutal aspects of life." "Like seeing your great shlong swinging at her first thing in the morning." Said Hitchmouth through such a compressed mouthful of food that it was hard to be sure what he was saying. A sensor beeped in the background, Hitchmouth and Slipshod were both on their feet brandishing weaponry in a flash. "Intruder alert." Said Hitchmouth. "Prepare to cover me." He aimed his Pulse lite at the entrance. "Most gracious memberage of the wonderous and life saving United Planets, I beseech your approval on my entrance." Came a timid voice from just outside the command pod. "It's one of them Naff bastards." Said Hitchmouth. "Switching to hunt mode." He said, arming his weapon with a heat seeking pulse round which would find a target around a corner and blow a hole through the body the size of a serving dish. "Hitchy please." Said Sanjit, after waiting the requisite amount of time to allow his superior officer to intervene. His superior officer was catatonic. "Allow the person to enter." A large and very tattered array of feathers and silk appeared at the door. He cleared his throat politely. "Most gracious and observant, humane and honourable peacekeeperage personell, I come with a most humble but precious parchment bearing nothing less that the Royal seal." Said the Royal Guard, Sanjit recognised him as the one Hitchmouth had wounded earlier in the day. His arm was in a sling crudely fashioned from torn purple velvet. "It is nothing less than an invitation to the most high and most Royal wedding between her most royal high high highness the very precious Princess Hhhhooouuouuuuuull, and the most respected and kindly wonderous Commander Luke Hunter of the UP forces battleing to keep the peace on our most precious and wonderous planet." There was a long silence as the occupants of the UP bunker stared at the man in the overgrown headdress. "Oh dear oh dear." Said Sanjit finally. "Oh please pity me." Said Commander Hunter. The Royal Guard looked somewhat perplexed, he was clearly expecting a rather more formal reaction to the delivery of his ornate roll of parchment which was embellished with a large wax seal and long strip of pink ribbon. The Royal Guard eventually cleared his throat again and vainly tried to straighten his decrepit headdress. "I am most utterly sorry to have intervened in your council, but circumstances have forced me to act in an area so extremely removed from normal protocol that I have been left no other choice, and for that I am a mere stain on the otherwise utterly unblemished house of Hhhhooouuouuuuuull." "Well, that's a load of crap for starters." Said Hitchmouth. "The so called house of Hhhhooouuouuuuuull is dripping with the blood of massacred innocents, you slimy pink haired bastard." "It's not really called Hhhhooouuouuuuuull is it?" asked Slipshod. "They're taking the piss." "No, that is the name and I would ask you to have respect for the institutions of this fair world." Said the Commander finally. He stood up, dwarfing everyone in the bunker, slapped his enormous hands on his vast tree trunk thighs. He turned to the Royal Guard and held out his hand to accept the parchment. "By this act, I, Commander Luke F. Hunter of 3 Para, United Planet oversee group, Waj Valley Observation Detachment, do hereby most humbly accept the honourable role of attending my own wedding at the honourable House of Hhhhooouuouuuuuull to the most lovely and wonderous virgin Princess Hhhhooouuouuuuuull." The Naff guard bowed low and did some hand twirling embellishment, then stood erect and said. "I do most honourably accept your honourable acceptance, most honourable Commander Hunter of the United Planets most distinguished Peace Keepage forces who are always welcome here on our peaceful world for ever." So saying the Royal Guard handed over the roll of parchment and clicked his heels. He bowed in an even more elaborate way, which had the unfortunate result of making his enormous and elaborate headdress drop in a crumpled heap on the floor. Commander Hunter immediately bent down to pick it up without fully taking into account anything happening around him. This had the yet further unfortunate result of causing his massive and thick boned head to come into sudden and violent contact with the delicate egg shell like structure of the Nafoolian Royal Guard's cranium , who was naturally also attempting to pick up the absurd head garb. There was an audible crack, and the Royal Guard collapsed on the floor without a murmur. "Oh, I do beg your pardon." Said Commander Hunter. "How very clumsy of me." The occupants of the bunker looked down at the still form of the Royal Guard for a few moments. "Where is Doctor Smutts?" asked Sanjit eventually. "Oh, I'm sure we don't need to involve the doctor." Said Commander Hunter, who had already lost interest in the prone Nafoolian and was unrolling the enormous Royal decree. "Good gracious, look at the calligraphy, it's quite exquisite." Hitchmouth holstered his weapon and knelt down beside the silent man on the floor. He brushed away a mass of dirty yellow feathers, strips of silk and strings of beads and held two large and grubby fingers by the man's long delicate neck. "Man down!" he suddenly shouted. "Medic! Medic!" "There's never one when you need one is there Hitchy." Said Sanjit. He wasn't particularly concerned, the Naff Royal Household were notorious for their feinting, but then he noticed that Hitchymouth actually looked concerned for once. "Is he okay Hitchy?" "Of course he isn't okay, he's dead isn't he, blinking Commander's gone and caved his head in." "Oh no." said the Commander sitting down again. "Did I really do that." "It does look rather that way Commander." Said Sanjit. "Beauty mate." Said Slipshod. "Not only do you totally blow it by coming on to the Princess Bleaarch or what ever her name is, you then go and kill one of her body guards. I would think this constitutes an incident, don't you fellows?" "You bloody killed him." Said Hitchmouth. "How the hell did you do that? I sprayed him with stun rounds and he didn't even fall over, you nut the bastard and he's down for the big one. Respect commander, serious respect." "Please Private," begged Commander Hunter. "I don't think the death of an individual is ever something to celebrate, no matter who he is." Sanjit stood up and stretched, he knew his days work was just beginning and yet he also knew the day, if you could call it that, was going to be very long indeed.