chapter=<b>Chapter 7</b>

	"Requesting emergency landing clearance." Said a voice very clearly. Sanjit sat up in his bunk, he felt his whole world move as Hitchmouth sat up just as suddenly in the bunk below him.

	"Shite! I never learn do I?" Said Hitchmouth. "What is it with me and the whole learning thing." Every time he woke up he bashed his head on the framework of Sanjit's sleep pod above him.  "Why can't I remember."

	"You are just born to endlessly repeat the same mistakes Hitchy. That is your burden." Sanjit swung his legs over the side of the bunk and dropped to the floor.

	The UP team and Doctor Smutts had been sleeping for some time after the exertions of the fire fight. Naturally an earth based human has the desire to add, "the day before," or "yesterday" to such a statement, but clearly there are no such definitions on Naffos.

	On return to their base they managed to use the remainder of the emergency power to cook a rudimentary meal and brew a cup of sweet tea. The Commander had retired first, seemingly sent into a depression at the failure of his peace mission and the fact that the first of the warring parties he had made contact with were now little more than fragments being re-cycled by various species of forest wild life.

	"Requesting emergency landing clearance." The voice repeated.

	"What was that?" asked Sanjit. It had sounded as if someone was actually in the room, but now on rapid inspection, the place was sealed and all functioning systems were doing as they should.

	"Sounded like the sub ether." Said Hitchmouth. Sanjit heard him fire up the pulse rifle, it's low hum causing a vibration to shudder through the building.

	"But the sub ether's not working."

	Sanjit walked past the kitchen area and pulled back one of the shutters. The room was immediately flooded with bright sunlight. The darkness of an earth night was entirely fabricated as it was never actually dark in the Waj valley. They were in the shadow of the mountain of Ggnnnth for about 7 earth hours in every 30, and this they had designated night time.

	Sanjit sat in front of the sub ether meta transponder. It looked as dead as it had done since Hitchmouth tried to adjust it with the butt of his mother's assault rifle.

	"They must be sending software with the signal." Said Sanjit. "I wonder where it came from." He picked up the microphone to return the message but it was brutally knocked from his hand by Hitchmouth's enormous fist.

	"We're sitting ducks." Said Hitchmouth. "we can't just give them an accurate location."

	"But it sounded like they were in trouble." Said Sanjit

	"Oh come on Sanj. That's such a classic ruse. It's probably a Naff surface attack vehicle trying it on. Don't do anything, I'm going to seriously tool up and get out there, it's a full-on hunt and kill op as far as I'm concerned."

	Hitchmouth started strapping himself back into his array of weaponry, Sanjit yawned but then froze as the voice came over the sub ether again.

	"This is the surface vehicle Blathania, we have been attacked, we need to land to repair damage. Request permission to land in your most delightful clearing. We are not armed."

	"The Blathania." Said Sanjit.

	"Repeat, we are an unarmed vessel."

	"Don't do anything!" warned Hitchmouth.

	"But you know who travels in the Blathania."

	"Some murderous Naff bastard as always."

	"Princess Hhhhooouuouuuuuull."

	"Who the hell is he?" asked Hitchmouth as he slipped his helmet on and fired up his head down display.

	"I said Princess Hitchy. She's a very beautiful Lady. She is, as far as I understand these things, now the leader of the Nafoolians. Since the assassination of her father, King Ghnnth Hhhhooouuouuuuuull the 4th a while back."

	"God I hate this place. Stupid bloody names they all have. They make "em up to annoy us, I'd swear it. I bet she's really Princess Sue or Sally or something, but ever since we've been here they've decided to make up all these stupid off world names just to piss us off."

	"The house of Hhhhooouuouuuuuull has been standing for millennia." Said Commander Hunter. "I studied the history of the planet on my way here. It's fascinating."

	"Oh please sir. Put it away." Said Hitchmouth, his face a picture of displeasure.

	Sanjit turned to see what had caused the upset.

	"Good heavens." Said Sanjit.

	The Commander was completely naked, his enormous body seemed to fill the small sleeping area of the bunker. He had rolled out of his bunk unseen by Sanjit and Hitchmouth.

	"Oh, does the naked form of the human male offend you?" said Hunter. "I'm very sorry, I didn't realise we had issues like this to deal with here. Have you always been homophobic?"

	"Homo-what?"

	"He means you hate poufs Hitchy." Explained Sanjit.

	"Course I do. I'm a bloody soldier." Spat the Private.

	"I see." Said Hunter. "Not that I myself feel the need to express my love within a single gender arena but....."

	"Oh, leave it out." Hitchmouth was feeling physically sick at hearing this.

	"It's just that I think as men, and soldiers, Hitchmouth, we need to resolve issues like this before they become a serious impediment to the operational capability of this unit."

	"Sir, if I may just interject..."

	"One moment Sanjit." Hunter held up a huge hand in front of Sanjit's placid face. "You see Private, I attended officer training with some of the finest homosexuals the galaxy has created, all brave men and women and true to the cause of the UP."

	"Sir, I really.." Sanjit attempted to interrupt again but it was pointless.

	"I therefore developed a very liberal attitude to the whole single gender sex issue, which, I have to say, leaks into the area of being comfortable with your own mortality, nakedness and genital freedom."

	"We are coming into land." Said a voice clearly on the verge of panic. The commander looked around the room.

	"Who said that?"

	"I was trying to tell you sir"

	"Incoming!" screamed Hitchmouth from the entrance to the bunker.

	The ground shook beneath their feet as only meters from the building, a 320 tonne surface vehicle came to an abrupt halt. It's nose digging a mountain of soft brown Nafoolian loam before it.

	"What was that?"

	"Okay, I'm not here, you don't know me right!" shouted Hitchmouth as he exited from the building at high speed.

	"Goodness me, what a wake up call, eh Commander." Said Sanjit, peering through the slatted brlinds at the huge shape just outside the command post.

	"Sergeant, please fill my data cavity." Said the Commander.

	Sanjit went through the neat row of uniform cans in his storage pod and picked one marked formal. He started spraying, the instant cloth formed into a smart new uniform around his diminutive body.

	"Sir, we are receiving an unexpected and sudden visit from the Nafoolian Royal family. None other than Princess Hhhhooo-uuouuuuuull herself. We received a distress call from them moments ago, apparently their ship has been under fire in the vicinity and our clearing was the nearest safe landing zone." Sanjit stepped into his boots which snapped around his ankles. "I am preparing myself for some fairly high level diplomatic duties, I would suggest, genital freedom aside, that you do the same."

	Commander Hunter looked down at his naked body. "I see what you are saying. Most wise." He responded. "I will spray up without further ado."

	Sanjit started to move toward the entrance, he heard a series of small explosions from outside, followed by screaming.

	"Oh goodness, now what!" he said, but before he could leave the UP dug-out, a figure appeared in the doorway.

	It was a Royal Nafoolian captain of the guard, in full ceremonial dress, he was standing at an angle and clearly wounded.

	"Permission to enter, this is of utmost importance, please accept." He said, pain discernible in his speech.

	"Permission granted." Said the Commander who Sanjit could sense was right behind him.

	Immediately a crowd of scared and elaborately dressed people started to surge into the cramped inner sanctum of the UP outpost. As Sanjit turned to make way for them, he saw to his horror the commander was still shaking his clothing can and had barely started to spray, only his shins and elbows were covered.

	"Protect me from that which I desire." screamed a woman's voice. Sanjit turned and saw the speaker, a woman of undeniable beauty. She was looking at the Commander who was in turn, looking at her.

	"Never before have I seen such." She said. "My eyes see and my heart is ripe with needs. I am undone."  So saying she swooned and was held upright by her struggling courtiers. One of them broke off, and adjusting his stupendous hairdo said "We are for ever in your dept, great peacekeepers. Allow me to introduce her most Royalness, Princess Hhhhooouuouuuuuull the third."

	"Charmed, I'm sure." Said the 7/8ths naked Commander.

	He held out his hand toward the Princess, who now had managed to regain some of her composure, she hid her beautiful face behind a feather fan but held out a long and limp arm in the direction of the Commander.

	"Protect me from that which I most desire." She said under her breath.

	"It is indeed a great honour to meet you ma'am." Said Commander Hunter.

	"Protect me from that which I most desire." She repeated. Sanjit smiled and took the clothing can from the commander. He quickly sprayed up his commanding officer and threw the empty can into the compactor.

	"There," said Sanjit triumphantly. "Royal Highness, is that better."

	"I am for ever in your debt." Said Princess Hhhhooouuouuuuuull, still without taking her eyes off Commander Hunter.

	"What the hell is going on here." Asked Doctor Smutts, who, Sanjit noticed with relief, had bothered to cover her nakedness before emerging from her sleep pod.

	"A woman, a woman!" said the courtiers as they rapidly shielded the Princess with their pink cloaks. "We did not think you would have a woman here."

	"What is wrong with a woman being here, you Neanderthals!" spat the irate Doctor.

	"I believe." Said Sanjit, now finding the whole incident rather amusing. "That it is against the tradition of the Royal House of Hhhhooouuouuuuuull for a Princess ever to set eyes upon another woman. Have I got that about right?"

	"This is correct." Said the Royal Guard who had entered the cramped quarters first. He turned to Doctor Smutts. "The Princess must not see you. I must ask you to leave at once."

	"Oh dear oh dear." Said the Commander. "This is most awkward."

	"Why should I leave, who are all these people Sergeant?" Asked the Doctor.

	"We are the emissaries from the Royal House of Hhhhooouuouuuuuull." Said the Royal Guard. "We are on our way to a peace conference, the most important in our history. Behind the pink, silken shield of the courtiers is none other than her Royal Highness the Most Delectable Princess Hhhhooouuouuuuuull, virgin and spiritual leader of our people. She is the most precious cargo any of us have ever had to transport, and as we were travelling near you, a vicious attack took place, forcing us to land here. We thought we would be safe in the hands of the wonderful and compassionate United Planets forces, but we did not know you would have a woman in your presence. Are you a virgin?"

	The question came out of the blue and Doctor Smutts was momentarily stunned, not for long however.

	"The state of my hymen is of no relevance here, I demand the right to be allowed to stay and take part in any deliberations, even though I am not interested in anything you stupid people do, just as a point of principle, I will not leave."

	"Oh, this is most awkward. What do you suggest Sergeant." Said Commander Hunter, who although clearly talking to Sanjit, was transfixed by the shimmering pink cloaks of the many courtiers who surrounded the Princess.

	"I..."

	But it was no use, the doorway was suddenly full of Hitchmouth, head down display obscuring his features, his weapons sticking out in every direction like the spikes of a Nafoolian porcupine.

	"Right, the whole job lot of you are under arrest, capiche?"

	"Oh, this is now even more awkward." Said the Commander usefully.

	An hour later, the situation began to resemble one of order. Hitchmouth removed the small hand weapons belonging to the Captain of the Guard and his 2 officers. After a thorough search he finally accepted that none of the courtiers was armed with anything more dangerous than perfumed powder and a selection of spray on wigs.

	Sanjit had to use every trick he knew to stop Hitchmouth trying to search the Princess, he knew this would cause a major Diplomatic incident, and when he looked to Commander Hunter for support, the Commander wasn't much chop. He seemed utterly transfixed by the beauty of the young Royal and said nothing.

	"For Goodness sake, will you let me attend to the wounded and sort this mess out in your own time." Said the ever-irate Doctor Smutts. She led the Captain of the Guard outside where she started tending to the wound he had received when Hitchmouth had sprayed the screaming Royal group with low impact pulse rounds.

	"As a diversion." Was how he explained it.

	The Commander had pleaded with him weakly. "Hitchmouth, I really must beg you in a very insistent way to stop shooting people." 
Hitchmouth, Sanjit and the pilot of the royal ship did a brief inspection of the badly damaged craft, lying at an uncomfortable angle just meters from the bunker.

	"I am conveying to you the most upmost mostness of sorryness." Said the pilot, who checked his hair in the reflection of the half buried windshield at the front of the ornate craft. "I did everything I could do to avoid your dwelling unit. The Royal House of Hhhhooouuouuuuuull have no wish to injure, or in any way defame, the most brave braveness of the most highly regarded peace keepering United Planet's most benign and wonderous personnel."

	"Shut it." Said Hitchmouth, the pilot looked mortally wounded and swooned a little. Hitchmouth pushed him out of the way and walked up to the crippled craft, giving it a hefty kick with his titanium toed combat boots. "All I want to know is, how the frig do we get this sitting friggin" duck the hell away from our bunker." He turned to Sanjit who was looking at the ornate detailing on the ships hull. "This is a target Sanj, d'you realise this. This bloody stupid bus is just sitting here, right next to base HQ, and it may as well have a bloody great sign on it saying "Shoot me shoot me, and blow the frig everything else up around here while you're at it."

	"I am aware of the situation Hitchy." Said Sanjit as they clambered up the side of the vessel and entered. Inside was total chaos, the floor was littered with broken cosmetics, perfume and clothing sprays. Mixed with this heady brew were feather fans, head dresses, Royal pink cloaks and masses and masses of brightly coloured beads.

	"What a friggin" awful mess!" said Hitchmouth.

	"Her most Royalness of Royalty Princess Hhhhooouuouuuuuull was in the middle of her most honourable dressing-ness when some sub naff ugly personages of a violent and pointless life disposition dids't send up a missile of deep unfriendliness."

	"What the frig is this bloke on Sanj. Can't I shoot him."

	"Please don't shoot anyone Hitchy, it really wouldn't help. Let's get into the flight deck and see what we can do. From what I can asses, the ships controls and motivation hasn't been damaged. The missile merely blew a hole in the fuselage."

	"The missile has destroyed the most Royal toilet and bathing area of she who must not see another of her ilk."

	Sanjit made his way across the messy compartment and into the flight deck. This was decorated with great swathes of pink cloth, even the cockpit windscreen had elaborate curtains attached at either side.

	"How the frig d'you fly this thing with all this shite everywhere." Said Hitchmouth.

	"The ship flies herself, my role as pilot is merely to monitor her most Royal movements." Said the pilot. "I had tried to switch to manual when the act of deep unpleasantness happened to us in the shape of the missile."

	"So did you?" asked Hitchmouth.

	The pilot looked non plussed.

	"Did you switch to friggin manual you doe brained twat?"

	"I could not find the appropriate control, many of her most Royalness" courtiers did enter the cockpit and they did wail and scream and did rend Royal cloth in an attempt to save she who...."

	"Switch to manual." Said Sanjit.

	Hitchmouth ripped pink cloth away from the control area and sat down. He flicked a few switches and the control system came online.

	"All systems check, except the friggin toilet." Said Hitchmouth. "Hold tight, I'm gonna bring her up."

	"We should check that everyone is clear from outside." Said Sanjit, but as usual with Hitchmouth, it was too late. The ship jolted, creaked and groaned and then, like an air cushion that had been held under water, suddenly released itself from the hole it had made in the Naffoolian soil. It shot upwards with a stomach churning jolt.

	"Okay." Said Hitchmouth, "I'm gonna bring her down the other side of the clearing, well away from the bunker so if she does take incoming, it's not our friggin problem."

	She ship tipped and moved at great speed just feet above the ground, Sanjit heard a noise which was the landing legs extending, Hitchmouth swung the Bathalia up high as he turned and then brought it down with a gentle thump.

	"Job done." Said Hitchmouth as he hit the kill switch and the ships motors span down. "Now lets get back to base and get those friggin awful pink twats out of our house."

	"Just let me handle it Hitchy." Said Sanjit. "Just stand in the background and try, really really try not to shoot anyone."

When they approached the base, they could tell something was up. Many courtiers and Royal life guards were running around outside the bunker in a complete state.

	"We are undone!" said one as he ran past trailing torn cloth and feathers.

	"No more is she whole." Screamed another.

	"The house of Hhhhooouuouuuuuull is undone." Wailed a third.

	"What is happening?" asked Sanjit, he grabbed hold of one of the courtiers who was breaking beads and showering them on the ground.

	"Oh have you not heard, the whole of Naffoolia is in tears, the rivers of pain run deep, such is our sorrow."

	"Oh Friggin" "eck. Has the Princess bought it?" asked Hitchmouth with a rare display of concern.

	Sanjit shook the frail courtier who had returned to a high pitched keening. "What has happened you annoyingly over dressed individual?"

	The courtier seemed to snap out of it for a moment, clearly slightly affronted at being described thus.

	"Princess Hhhhooouuouuuuuull has announced that she ....oh..." again he broke into wailing sobs.

	"What!" shouted Hitchmouth.

	"That she intends to marry the most honourable Commander of the friendly and safe keeping United Planets forces. The house of Hhhhooouuouuuuuull is undone. Excuse me, I have to break more Royal beads and gnash my teeth in a wailing and hopeless manner."

	"Oh, carry on." Said Sanjit. A large Royal procession was making it's screaming and wailing way back towards the transport ship. The princess, if she was there, was so surrounded by flailing courtiers that she could not be picked out.

	"I think it's time I had a discreet chat with Commander Hunter." Said Sanjit.