chapter=Chapter 5 "Peace keepers. Don't make me laugh." said Doctor Smutts as she helped Hitchmouth dump the bandaged body onto a steel framed sleep pod in the depths of the living module. "Look at the injuries this man has sustained." "Most extreme." Said Commander Hunter with a pained expression. For a military man, Commander Hunter was none to keen on the sight of blood. "Poor bastard is still alive." Said Doctor Smutts. "His fellows are all tissue shards, spread over the forest like, like that Italian long stringy food made from a type of flour." "Spaghetti?" asked Sanjit. "Bless you." "No, sorry Doctor, I did not sneeze, I said Spaghetti. It's a type of pasta made from Dhurum wheat." "Yes, of course. Spaghetti. I know that. Spaghetti with red sauce all over it made of, the, the you know, the organic round shaped fruits of a reddish hue with the multiplicity of seeds inside. That's just what they look like." "An organic fruit with a reddish hue. Hmm. Is that some form of culinary delicacy peculiar to the planet Naf?" asked the commander. Doctor Smutts said nothing. "Tomatoes?" Asked Sanjit. Doctor Smutts nodded curtly in Sanjit's direction. Sanjit then noticed Commander Hunter stand and move a little closer to the Doctor, holding out his hand. He coughed politely. "How very rude of me, I should have introduced myself Nurse, my name is..." "Oh sir, you should not have said that." interrupted Sanjit. He stepped forward, both hands protecting his sex organs. "He didn't mean anything offensive Doctor Smutts." Said the nervous Sanjit. "Commander Hunter has just arrived, he doesn't know any better." "Damn right he doesn't." spat the Doctor. "I do beg your pardon most sincerely Doctor, that was most ignorant of me to assume your were a mere nurse merely because of the mere fact of you being a mere woman." Commander Hunter's face had flushed a rather deeper colour than normal, a sheen of sweat appeared on the acreage of his domed forehead. He grinned and swallowed, looking around for support, he got none. "I said mere rather too many times in that sentence didn't I Sergeant." "Yes sir, you did." Said Sanjit as kindly as he could. "Pig ignorant oaf." Said Doctor Smutts. "Did you order this massacre Commander?" "Well, I er.." "Someone must have ordered it, and according to your ridiculous uniform, you are in command." "Yes, well," blurted the Commander. "As Commanding Officer it is my duty to claim responsibility for any actions the men under my command take, therefore I hold myself entirely culpable." "What's he say?" asked Hitchmouth. "He said it was his fault that you killed all those men without him telling you to do it Hitchy." "Oh, right." Hitchmouth scratched his scarred shaved head. "And that's good is it?" "In future," said the Doctor as she moved the hand scanner carefully across the body of the injured man, "try and behave as the U.P. edicts permit you to behave." The man on the steel bunk moaned a little, Doctor Smutts stroked his pained brow with surprising tenderness. "And don't throw your weight around. There is enough mayhem on this planet without the likes of you adding to it. Now, I need to get this man medi-vacced out of here. My transport is down, due to an unfortunate incident with a tree." "Women drivers." Said Hitchmouth. He looked around for male agreement and got none. The Doctor didn't rise to the bait, but continued as if Hitchmouth hadn't spoken. "Sergeant, can you contact the Red Crescent and get them to send a transport here." "I can try Doctor." Said Sanjit. "But we are notoriously remote. We haven't been having a lot of luck getting anything delivered for months, and I am talking Naf months." "Oh come now Sergeant." Said Commander Hunter. "Surely we have absolute state de la arte comms here. Sub Ether, microwave and infrawave, satellite and impact resistant land line unless I was misinformed by my data packet." "Tell him Sanj." Said Hitchmouth. "Tell me what?" Asked the Commander. "Well, we had all that," said Hitchmouth with a big grin. "But farmer Sanj here, put his shovel through the IR line when he was digging his veg patch." "It was a terrible mistake sir. I'm afraid it wasn't very impact resistant at the point I struck it, split in two with frightening ease." Said Sanjit uneasily. "Plus, a couple of months back a pulse round knocked the shite out of the sat comms. As for the sub ether scanner." "Not good sir." Said Sanjit. "Never really worked, did it Sanj." "We never managed to get it online." agreed Sanjit sadly. "Yeah, and it's shot to shite now 'cos we left it out in the rain." "Yes, that was an error." Said Sanjit happily. "It was such a lovely day, we were trying to fix it up while we sat in the sun shine. Then a rain cloud came over the horizon and I'm afraid my first thought was the washing." "Anyroad." Said Hitchmouth expansively. "That leaves the microwave, which is only a Tonya 386 model and about as much use as a couple of cans joined together with string." "Ah yes, I tried that experiment when I was a youngster." Said the Commander. "It works wonderfully well in zero G. Oh yes, happy days." "If you've quite finished your prattling, this is an emergency." Said Doctor Smutts. "Quite so, quite so." Said Sanjit as he sat in front of the communications station and attempted to make a call. It was clear to anyone with the remotest grasp of military communications equipment that it was a futile move, the set was as dead as the Catholic Church. "Heavens, a complex logistical situation is staring us boldly in the face, throwing down the gauntlet of challenge." "What's he say?" Hitchmouth asked Sanjit. "We are up your favourite creek, Hitchy, in the old barb wire jobby." "Nothing new there then." "Maybe we should all think through the problem while we tuck into my chicken korma." Said Sanjit happily. "Any longer and it will be too cold to eat." "I wondered what that sensational smell was Sergeant." Said Commander Hunter. "I take it we are not talking about combat rations." "Indeed not sir." Said Sanjit as he placed a pile of stainless steel bowls on the makeshift table and heaved the giant pots from the now defunct impulse stove. "I'm not eating that foreign shite." Said Hitchmouth. "Where's me egg sandwich you promised?" "That's a no-can-do I'm afraid Hitchy, the impulse round fused the thing into a lump of uselessness. In future we are going to have to cook on a makeshift bar-be-que." "Oh brilliant." Said Hitchmouth, serving himself a mountain of chicken korma from the tub and immediately shovelling great mounds of it into his mouth. "I would like to apologise here and now for my comrades eating habits." Said Sanjit. "It's all because of an unhappy childhood." "I didn't have an unhappy childhood." Said Hitchmouth through a congealed mouthful of food. "I was talking about any children that came into contact with you Hitchy." Said Sanjit kindly. "They were all very unhappy." Hitchmouth thought about this for a while, then nodded in agreement. "Yeah, there is that." Sanjit filled the remaining bowls with chicken korma and without further complaint, everyone sat down to eat. "Hungry." Said a voice from the steel bunk when they were all busy stuffing themselves. "Goodness me, how deeply selfish of us, we have forgotten the wounded." Said Commander Hunter. He stood and offered the man his own bowl of food. "Don't be ridiculous man." Said Doctor Smutts. "This patient has serious stomach injuries. A pulse round has gone right through him. He can't eat solids. Here." She passed the man a bottle of water. "Drink this, you are on an IV drip young man, you may feel hungry, but believe me, you don't need to eat. Now rest." "Where is unit?" asked the man in his thick Nafoolian accent. "Ah." Said Commander Hunter. "Oh dear." Said Sanjit. "Blown to shite." Said Hitchmouth through a huge mouthful of chicken Korma. "I must get back to unit." "What's your name you murdering bastard." Said Hitchmouth, approaching the worried looking soldier. "I am Hjmugh." Said the man. To Hitchmouth's ear it sounded like he was clearing his throat, but Hjmugh was a very common Nafoolian name. "Well, Hjmugh." Said Hitchmouth, this time merely coughing unpleasantly in an attempt to pronounce the name. "You don't have a unit to get back to, so get used to it. Taken out sonny Jim, courtesy of a U.P. hyper pulse. Don't mess with the blues mate, you should know that by now." "Really Private, there's no need to use such a threatening display of machismo." Said Commander Hunter. "Clearly this poor individual can do us no harm." "You can't trust the Nafs sir!" said Hitchmouth. "They'd slit your throat with their legs hanging off. Murder's the only thing they know." It was clear the Nafoolian soldier was not listening to their conversation. He managed to pull himself into an upright position and grunted. "Mullambimbi's massing at top of Waj valley." Everyone in the room turned to look at him. "They prepare big assault." "What did I tell you! I knew trouble was brewing." Said Hitchmouth triumphantly. "You seem pleased at the prospect of more carnage." Said Doctor Smutts. "Hey, there's nowt wrong with a good firefight." Said Hitchmouth pointing an accusing finger at the Doctor. "Mind you, the Mullambimbi's only have bows and arrows most of the time. Should be a right laugh." "Mullambimbi's have heavy weapons." Said Hjmugh. "You have good intelligence about this?" asked Sanjit. "We have seen. They attack Kharmgh in the North, they deplete whole squadron. Terrorists. We must stop..." Hjmugh could say no more, he fell back on his bed in a swoon. "Things are clearly going to get very hectic around here soon." Said Doctor Smutts. "I will need medical assistance, we must get in contact with the U.P. at Smihhjin, or the MSA at Fleuughh as soon as possible." "We could tie a long piece of string between two cans and I could start to walk to the bottom of the valley." Said Hitchmouth. "Failing that, we'll have to stay here and fight." "Oh goodness me." Said Commander Hunter. "Surely it won't come to that."