chapter=<b>Chapter 10</b>

	Dr Helena Smutts was not a woman to be fiddled with. She had been dealing with the tiresomely long list of minor injuries sustained by the occupants of the Royal Naffoolian ship, Blathania. The courtiers and Royal staff were exquisitely polite at all times, but each of them demanded such an enormous amount of her time, they all wanted to discuss their many ailments, which they were convinced were symptoms of rare and previously unrecorded illnesses. That was stressful enough for the short tempered medic, but when she was taken to see the Princess the problem became too much for her. She was ushered into a section of the messy craft's interior and confronted with a naked young woman, with a purple sack over her head. She was informed again, as if she hadn't all ready been annoyed by the fact, that the Princess wasn't allowed to set eyes upon another woman before her wedding day. When the Doctor curtly inquired why this absurd law existed, it was explained to her in a hushed whisper that the Princess was to maintain her belief that she was the most beautiful woman on Naff and the courtiers were fearful that is she saw another woman she might falter in this belief. Her annoyance was then increased when one of the courtiers, a cheeky looking little fellow with absurd facial hair, suggested that the Doctor was clearly no threat to the Princess in terms of beauty and therefore the brief glimpse the Princess saw of the Doctor should be no problem.

The Doctor ran her scanner over the Princess and found no sign of injury or illness, and proof of the Doctor's professional behaviour was underlined when she resisted the temptation to cause a minor injury to the perfect nose of the Royal personage by head butting her. It was something she found a strong desire to do, and when the Doctor experienced a strong desire to do anything she became further short tempered.

	So it was with little grace that she stomped her way back toward the UP command post, carrying her heavy medical satchel over one shoulder. As she passed a low bush, it spoke to her.

	'Doctor Smutts.' It said.
	
	She turned, a little fearful for a moment. She had recently seen so much death and carnage that her nerves were slightly frayed.

	'Dr Smutts, down here.' Said the voice. She looked beneath the bush and there, in the ground, was a human face. A very dirty human face with only a handful of teeth casually arranged in its mouth.

	'Are you hurt? She asked. It was what she always asked because nine times out of ten, anyone who spoke to her invariably was hurt.

	'No, I am asking for your help though.'
	
	'Well stand up will you? I can't talk to you lying under a bloody bush.'
	
	'I am already standing. I am in a covert bunker.'
	
	'A what?' said the Doctor. She put down her medical bag and squatted nearer the half buried face, still giving herself room to escape if need the arose.

	'I am Muwilimba, I am a Mulumbimbi.'

	'What are you doing down there?'
	
	'It's top secret.'

		'Bully for you.' Said the Doctor snappily. 'And how the hell did you know my name?'

	'We have sources everywhere Doctor Smutts.' Said the face. The Doctor was still unsure if the person she was talking to was a man or woman. The name Muwilimba didn't give her a lot to go on.

	'And our sources tell us there is a marriage taking place in the Royal House of Hhhhooouuouuuuuull.' After it had mentioned the name of it's enemy, the face then spat; which was unfortunate because as the small gob of spittle rose, it arced gracefully and fell right back into the orifice from which it had been ejected.

	'Then your sources are badly misinformed.' Said the Doctor.

	'Our sources tell us that the marriage is indeed between the satanic Princess Hhhhooouuouuuuuull of Naff and your good Commander at the United Planets peacekeeping command post not one hundred stones from where I stand.'

	The Doctor was well enough informed about the peculiar habits of the Mulambimbi's to know that the measurement 'stone' was variable. It was the distance an individual could throw a lump of rock. As some Mulambimbi's where 7 foot tall and of a rangey build, they could throw a small rock 70 or 80 meters. However the measurement did not specify a regulation size or weight of rock, and if an individual was faced with a large boulder, or nothing, then a stone's distance could be as little as a meter. It was all very confusing, however the gist of it was understandable.The Doctor could just see the outline of the command post on the horizon.

	'Listen, Mulamb....

	'Muwilimba.

	'Whatever. There is no way on this planet that the UP are going to allow one of their ground operatives get married to a local, and specifically not a local with such a heavyweight title as that pain in the arse Princess. So all talk of marriage is absurd. You should get back to your own area, this is a very dangerous place to be, even if you are half buried.'

	'We are in our own area Doctor.' Said the face, suddenly changing it's character and becoming darker and angrier. 'This valley has been a spiritual home for the Mulambimbi for as long as history can be recalled. That is why we must stay and fight.'

	'Oh, do what you want, I've had enough for several lifetimes.' So saying, the Doctor stood up and stretched, as she picked up her bag, the face said. 'Doctor, if this marriage takes place, the whole of Mulambimbi will be a turned into a ball of blood floating through hell.'

	'And what is it now, a haven of peace?'

	'Ha, this is mere skirmish.' Said the face venomously. 'When the full might of the Mulambimbi's is unleashed, all will die.'

You people are all the same, you just love fighting and killing dieing and if your not actually doing it your busy remembering fights, and killing and dieing from aeons ago. It's all you've ever done, it's all you'll ever do. You all look exactly the same, there is no difference in your DNA, you are one people on this planet. One genetic group for pities sake'

	'The truth is, Doctor Smutts, that we are encouraged to fight each other by the UP.'

	'Don't be so stupid man.' Snapped Smutts.

	'I am not a man.' Said Muwilimba the face in the ground. 'And I am far from stupid.'

For a normal person, the sudden revelation that a stranger they had been talking to was of the opposite gender than the one they had supposed would throw them, at elast momentarily. However, Doctor Helena Smutts was not normal. Without hesitation she barked back at the face in the ground.

	'How am I supposed to tell if you're a man or a woman if you insist on remaining a face in the dirt?'

	"I cannot reveal our position to the enemy. You know what I say is true. Divide and rule, it's a classic invasory technique so often deployed by your people in your history.'

	'I don't have any people.'

The woman ignored her. 'If you keep us busy fighting each other we won't notice the exploratory groups heading for the night side. Remember Doctor Smutts, the only local inhabitants to have explored the night side are the Mulambimbi's, we know what's going on there, our scouts report back constantly. We know there are moves afoot for the UP to colonise the planet and exploit all our natural recourses.'

	'Look, I know nothing about what the UP are doing, I am not connected to them in any way. I work for the MSA and we are not colonising you, we're just trying to heal the wounds you insist inflicting on each other. And it's a thankless task let me tell you. This place is turning into a huge burial ground. Why don't you go back down into your hole and stop killing people?'

The face smiled. 'You have no idea what is going on do you Doctor.'

This was a phrase that was guaranteed to immediately get the good Doctor upset.

	'I know exactly what's going on. You are waiting to take revenge for some attack which took place on what you claim are your people, even though you are exactly the same as the people who attacked you. And the reason you were attacked is because a few days before you attacked the other people who are the same as you, so they attacked you in revenge for that attack. You have no idea what is going on you silly woman, poking your head out of the dirt and trying to be so bloody clever.'

This onslaught did momentarily silence the face in the dirt, but not for long.

	'I have a message for you to take to the UP.'

	'Do I look like the sort of person who gives a cup full of shit about taking messages to anyone.'

	'If the wedding takes place, and the UP ally themselves with the oppressive House of Hhhhooouuouuuuuull, the Mulambimbi's will attack with a ferocity that even Mulambimbi has never witnessed. We have 30,000 suicide bombers all ready and primed to martyr themselves for our cause. The entire Waj valley is a honeycomb of tunnels we have expressly dug for this purpose.'

	'So tell me something I don't know.'

	'You know about our secret honeycomb of tunnels?'

	'Of course, everyone does. It's common knowledge you live like moles.'

	'Who told you this, do we have a traitor? They will be slaughtered like a stout pig.'

	The Doctor walked away as the face in the dirt kept up threats of the coming holocaust. She tramped over the rich grassland, which was of course occasionally pock marked by the impact craters of pulse rounds, until she made it back to the UP command post, which, she noticed immediately, had been greatly expanded and reinforced.

	'Well well, this looks very pleasant.' Said the Doctor as she entered, casually pushing to one side Hitchmouth's deadly sidearm that, naturally, he was pointing at her head.

	'I wish people would tell us when they was approaching instead of just poncing in here as the mood takes them.' Said Hithmouth, sitting back down at the newly arrived table. He immediately picked up a loaf sized sandwich, heavily stuffed with scorched animal products and took an awe inspiring bite.

 "What has happened here? You seem to have freshened up your little den somewhat, and yes, I will have a cup of tea please Sargeant.'

	'Certainly Doctor.' Said Sanjit, who had already got up and was preparing traditional Indian tea at the shiny new stove.

	'We received fresh supplies at last.' Said Commander Hunter. 'My very good friend here, Flight Officer Slipshod O'Rourke arrived earlier and did us very proud indeed.'

	'Just doing my job.' Said Slipshod, a small stream of spittle running down his stubble. He was slightly the worse for having removed the contents of 2 bottles of Vodka.

	'So.' Said Doctor Smutts with a broad smile. 'You boys are up to something.'

	'What?' said the Commander more sharply than was his habit.

	'You are getting ready to colonise Naffos. That's what this is all about isn't it.'

	'Who told you that Doctor.' Said Commander Hunter, looking suddenly alarmed. Sanjit stopped pouring tea, but he wasn't looking at Doctor Smutts, he was looking at the Commander, and Doctor Smutts rapidly noticed, it didn't look like Sanjit was fully up to speed on this new tid bit of information.

	'I didn't need to be told, all the local's seem to know.' Said the Doctor as she sat down next to Hitchmouth's  substantial bulk.

	'It's preposterous, we are here on a peacekeeping mission.' Said Commander Hunter in as unconvincing way as it is possible to deliver such a denial.

	'What is going on Commander?' Said Sanjit, 'You have been unusually pensive since you read all the top secret, your eyes only, auto- erase triple encrypted files that we finally managed to download.'

	'They weren't that secret, I saw 'em.' Said Hitchmouth through an oral rock slide of chewed food.

	'Hitchmouth!' shouted the Commander. 'For pities sake, that is classified information, for my eyes only.'

	'Triple encrypted.' Added Sanjit.

	'Triple encrypted.' Agreed the Commander. 'You had no right to read my data sheets while I was answering a call of nature.

	'Look sir.' Said Hitchmouth. 'The scanner has a butchers at your retina...'

	'A what?' asked the Commander.

	'He is using old rhyming slag sir. Butchers is short for butchers hook, a hook used to hang the carcass of a slaughtered beats. It rhymes with look. Hence Butchers hook means look, apples and pairs, that means stairs sir, north and south, mouth, and so on.'

	'And so on? What does that rhyme with?' Asked Doctor Smutts with a bigger smile.

	'Anyroad, what you're supposed to do sir,' said Hitchmouth, who had resolutely ignored what everyone else was nattering on about. 'Is read the message immediately and then delete it, not open it, leave it onscreen and go off to lay a cable.'

	'What does 'lay a cable' rhyme with?' asked the Doctor.

	'Nothing.' Said Slipshod. 'It's a polite way of saying taking a crap.'

	'I don't believe the levels of insubordination and general rudeness that have developed in this outpost. I command you to start behaving like peacekeepers.' Said Commander Hunter, suddenly finding a voice befitting his rank.

	'Ooh, looks like I've touched a raw nerve here.' Said the Doctor. She accepted the small stainless steel cup that Sanjit offered her and took a sip.

	'Lovely Sergeant, thank you very much.' She leant across the table and looked right into Commander Hunter's eyes. 'Now tell me Commander, what was it exactly that your top secret document revealed.'